Jacey's Initial Eye Appointment

Jacey's regular eye appointment in December (December 31st, actually) showed signs of retinitis pigmentosa (RP) in both eyes during her retinal photos.

Thanks, 2014, for that one last punch in the gut...you weren't kind to me. Not at all, so thanks for getting that last one in as you were being ushered out the door.

We had gone through the entire visit and it had become obvious that Jacey is farsighted in both eyes and also has astigmatism in both eyes.  One eye is markedly worse than the other.  While she was sitting on the examination chair, she remarked to the doctor, "This eye" (and pointed to the eye that had examined worse) "doesn't work."  I was floored.  Completely and totally taken aback.  She had never mentioned anything like that to me before, and I was totally caught off-guard by that comment.

The doctor, a stand-in for our 'normal' doctor, who was on vacation that week, was looking at the photos as I walked back into the room from a conversation with hubby, as I had let him know this appointment was taking much longer than we had originally anticipated.  The doctor and I had already discussed the need for Jacey to have glasses based on how the appointment had gone so far, and I was anticipating going to the lobby upon the conclusion of our appointment to try some on and select some with her.

Well, the doctor turned to me, with a look I'm not sure I can describe on her face.  It was a combination of "I have bad news and really don't want to share it" and "Oh CRAP", but at any rate, I read it and immediately said something to the effect of, 'So what do we have?'  The doctor went on to indicate that Jacey's retinal photos showed signs consistent with RP.

So I made her go through comparisons....Jaceys's photos with Tatums.  Jacey's with Kellen's.  Jacey's with mine.  Jacey's with a confirmed RP.  Jacey's with a normal child around her age.  It was clear - even in my limited knowledge, that was I was seeing was very different than what was supposed to be there - except for the similarities between the confirmed RP photos.  In those photos Jacey's bone spicules (they show up like black lines) weren't as abundant as the confirmed RP case, but they were there. In both of her eyes.

The doctor immediately suggested that we hold off on getting her glasses until we see a pediatric specialist through Houston Eye Associates, and that their office would research which of the doctors through that office (they have many) specialized in this disorder group so we were seeing the best doctor for her issue and that they would call us early next week (despite it being a Wednesday, we were rolling into the New Year's Holiday) with that information so that I could call Houston Eye Associates to schedule the initial consultation.

And that was that.

Jacey and I walked into the lobby and she immediately asked, "So do I get my glasses today?"

I responded with a calm, "No, we have to go see another doctor about your eyes first, honey." It was all I could do to hold it all inside...a swirl of emotions whirling.  It wasn't as if RP was new to me...I have immediate family members with it.  I know what this looks like day in-day out.  But this is my baby.  These were my genes that did this to her.

Kellen overheard my response to her, since he had come with us to get his glasses adjusted and immediately started in with, "But Mom, why isn't she getting her glasses today?  Mom, did you hear me? Mom....why isn't she getting them today?"  Then a quieter, "Mom, what's wrong with her eyes and why does she have to see another doctor?"

I turned to him and simply said, "The doctor here wants another doctor to look at her eyes because she has special eyes....Your eyes and my eyes are normal eyes and they only need one doctor. Hers are special."

Although I thought that was a pretty good answer, it didn't satisfy big brother for long. His questions continued as we left the doctors office, got into the car, and headed home...my emotions got ever-closer to the surface, threatening to spill over.

I quietly said to him, "Honey, I need to talk about this all with your Daddy.  If he and I think there is something you and your sisters need to know, we will tell you.  But let me talk to your DADDY first.  STOP asking me questions."

When I walked through the door my hubby was outside chopping wood for the fireplace.  He popped his head inside and asked nonchalantly, "So, how did it go?"

"I need to talk with you." was what I mustered.

He motioned for me to come outside while he was chopping wood....and something on my face must have given it away, because in his joking manner, he said, "Just tell me she isn't going to be blind."

And at that moment, I could no longer stop the tears....."She has it" was all I could say.

And we both knew...we had been watching for this with all of the kids and it had arrived.

God help us.

The only thing either of us can say is that she is still the same Jacey....the one that God created. The one that is fearfully and wonderfully made...by Him.  He made her JUST the way HE wanted her to be. And my God, hubby's God, JACEY'S GOD...He doesn't make mistakes.

So there is a reason for all of this.

2015 New Year's Resolution....

My resolution for this year.....I simply want to end the year reflecting Jesus more than at the beginning of the year.  This post is perfect for how that might look in different areas of my life.

Worth and Value - How is it measured?

Dictionary.com defines value as 'relative worth, merit, or importance'. It defines worth as 'usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose'.

How do you measure your worth and value? I will confess that it has been the 'to the world' aspect of the worth definition that I have unwittingly strived for and have lived for and sadly, have felt myself not achieving.

Typically worth and value, certainly in our capitalist society, is measured and defined by what someone would pay for an item.

So what does it say about my value, my worth --OUR value and worth --that the Creator and maker of the universe feels I am worth the Life of His son? That Jesus agreed that I was worth His very life?

I am that highly valued and important in the eyes of the Creator of the universe. Me. You.

I am worthy. Not for what I have done, but because I am His. I am important to My Lord. I am useful and have a purpose.

The value of an item can be determined by what someone is willing to pay for said item, so what does it say about my value - and yours - that the Creator of the universe paid for me with His life?

Worth....in works??

John 6:29 Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent, "

I am currently going through a Bible study and this was a verse within a passage of scripture during one of those days and it jumped out of my Bible and spoke to me.  It was if the Lord was saying to me, "Stop. Slow down. What you are doing is good, but learn to rest in me."

Now don't get me wrong...I understand that once we're sufficiently plugged in to our true energy source, the only thing that can sufficiently sustain us, our Bread of Life (John 6:25) that we will be conformed more and more into the likeness of Jesus through refinement and, potentially discipline (or pruning, as the verses in John 15 describe).

However, the word of the Lord makes it clear that our works don't define our worth in Christ.

As a self-proclaimed "do-er", this is a hard truth for me, so let me state that again, since it bears repeating.

Our works don't define our worth in Christ.

Our acceptance of Jesus Christ's spilled blood on the cross did that.  We are priceless treasures to our Lord.

Luke 12:7 (NIV) Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

This is not at all to say that works - good works - are not important in our lives.  Matthew 25 teaches us that we need to be attuned to the needs of the 'least of these' around us and respond to those as Jesus would have responded. 

I truly believe that we should be plugged in and serving in some area of ministry and modeling what that service looks like for our children.  They should see that servant heart displayed and lived out in front of them.  I have been fortunate to have several talks with my older two about the "why" of my involvement in Mama Club over the past few weeks and they both have a deeper understanding of why their mommy spends one night a week away from home, interacting with and (hopefully) helping other mommies.

However, my sense of worth should not come from my involvement in various activities, my 'roles' in organizations, my titles, my (insert whatever here). My sense of worth should come from being a child of the risen Lord. Period. End of discussion. No amount of my hurried and potentially frazzled activities should change that.  Just like John 6 states, I believe in the one that the Lord sent - and need to continually evaluate my activities to be sure that the Lord wants me there (1 Cor 10:23), those activities align with that message and that I am helping to point people towards the Lord.

Am I the only one who struggles in this area?  Commit to working on worth in Christ alone - not in our activities - with me, even if it means being a little less of a 'do-er' or letting go of guilt that may accompany those works sometimes?

Gaps

The difference between expectation and reality can create a gap.
The difference between expectation and ability can create a gap.

Gaps can create disappointment.

Let God fill your gaps.....His way and His will have the power to strengthen our abilities, alter our realities, and exceed our expectations.

God doesn't disappoint.

Well done

His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant!

Matthew 25:21

It's what we strive for, right?  The knowledge that our work on earth has meaning - that we're not just doing good....we're trying to do the BEST...making a difference for the kingdom of God in the lives of others. Being faithful with the talents God has bestowed upon us and doing with those talents what He wants us to do.

At 11:02 AM today, I believe that Dr. Royal Benson heard the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" from the ultimate master, and although my heart is so heavy for those he has left behind in his whirlwind illness, his life truly made a difference.

I am completely and 100% confident that my God could have healed him here on this earth. But He didn't.

I don't know why.

It would have been miraculous.
It would have been awesome.
It would have been glorious.

But apparently, it wasn't the BEST.

I don't know how this fits into God's plan. My perspective is that of a pinhead compared to His. I have tunnel vision and I can barely see beyond the pain of those whose lives are hurting because of this loss...including mine.

I mean...I was just his patient. And I called him my friend. He delivered Matt and I's three precious children....Well, if you want to get technical, Matt was the first person to touch and deliver all three kids.  He had asked Dr. Benson if we would get a discounted rate if he delivered the kids. After a laugh, Dr. Benson asked how many kids Matt had delivered...after Matt recounted the 'where's' but not the 'how many's' of the delivery's, Dr. Benson's response was, "Good answer,", followed by, "It's up to her" and left the decision up to me.  (Sidenote: I did say yes with the requirement that he had to coach until delivery time)

So we had three "Royal deliveries", with him and his staff.  I love that. Such a celebration of life.

I don't want to stop and think about what it would have been like to have a doctor who may not have taken me as seriously when I said something just 'didn't feel quite right'....I mean...three deliveries with prolapsed cords, despite all precautionary measures?  One with an additional perfect knot in the cord?  Diagnosed oligohydramnios (that's low amniotic fluid for those of you not aware)? The roller coaster of twins, losing one, and the emotional turmoil that the remainder of the pregnancy was with each ultrasound after...still wondering, hoping...maybe, just maybe...Twin B was just hiding? Celebrating life and mourning all at the same time...And he never once made me feel silly for any question I asked. In fact, he seemed to love it when I would bring in my notebook with questions already lined out and write his responses down - 'model patient', he would call me. "I did pregnancy well", he would always say, although I never agreed with him. :)

And then dealing with postpartum depression...what doctor reshuffles their vacation because a babbling postpartum patient calls the office and can barely speak the words, "There is something really wrong with me....I can't keep doing this..." After being on hold for just a few minutes, I was told to come into the office immediately - that he was making a special trip to the office to see me. What doctor does that?

Dr. Benson. He does.
And now he's gone.

He welcomed you with, "And how are you today, friend?" or asked about Matt and the kids, or my parents, etc. I don't think I ever saw him without a smile on his face in over 12 years.

And from my pinhole perspective, he lived life well, and served the Lord with the talents that God gave him. And he certainly made a difference in the lives of others. He was a staunch pro-life supporter, which is one of the things I respected about him and that resonated with me - especially when he took some heavy public fire for his stand.

Well done, Dr. Benson. Well done. You will be missed. Your wife and daughter will be in my prayers as they learn to navigate life without you.

Chaos

Is it normal?

Chaos, I mean.

Is it?

I was messaging with a friend last week (thank goodness for texting technology, or I wouldn't have a clue how my friends were) and remarked that chaos seemed like our normal.

And it does, doesn't it?

Running from school drop off to work to meetings, from one deadline to another, frantically answering emails during between meetings in an attempt to stay on top of a technology that was supposed to assist us.  But now it feels more like a hampster wheel sometimes...hurrying us to action but not necessarily showing us progress.

But maybe that's just my relationship with email....and scheduling...and chaos.

As I look at our activities, I realize many times that the problem still lies with me...and my mismatch of realistic expectations to time.

Translation --I think I can, and worse yet, should, do it all.

Full time wife
Full time mommy
Full time employee
Ministry with Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach
Involvement in our Sunday School class & church
Upcoming leadership role in national advising organization (unless there is a landslide write-in campaign, which God absolutely can orchestrate)
Ambassador with iBloom

Oh, and did I mention my kids are involved in stuff, too? It's no wonder my life sometimes can feel like the ball inside a pinball machine.

Now, many of these obligations I feel are absolutely supposed to be in my life. They are there because they help to define me. Mold me. Shape me. They are how God is choosing to use and grow me right now.

My challenge doesn't seem to always be the big rocks, but the small stones or pebbles. I've allowed them into my live as invaders of time. Unchecked guests.

And then to top it off, those guests have a tendency to overstay their welcome. They never seem to leave when you thought they were going to so you could refocus your and energy.

Yes, that's when my chaos seems to occur the most.

So it seems the solution is simple....1) ask God about the pebbles and stones and yes-of course the big rocks- and whether they are part of His plan.

Just because I may be able to handle a single pebble doesn't mean I can handle an onslaught of them, especially if my focus should be on the rocks He has already provided me with and is equipping me to face.

2) Ask God to reveal His design and expectations to you. We want what we do to bring Him glory and if we are too busy striving for perfection that we miss the person-we have missed the mark and missed the message. It's the relationship that points toward Him that matters....not the perfect ___________.

So how about it? Does your life have a chaotic corner needing cleaning? If so, will you work on answering these questions (or any others the Lord may put on your heart) and and restore a little peace this week?

Awesome Mommy Moment

Many morning Mommy moments don't make my heart flutter and melt. But this morning.....this morning was different.

In this midst of changing a nose-holding-worthy pull-up, I was doing a not-so-hot job of answering 20 questions from Tatum (because I am, of course, trying to be more aware of and not contribute to her 'middle-child syndrome', right?).

But I got flustered.

And my flustered tone can sound a lot like my angry tone to my kids, especially when I have asked them just to get dressed and go eat and we are going to be late again and why are we always late and can't I answer your questions later and WHY aren't you dressed yet....And, well.....you get the point.

After I dealt with the aftermath of the pull-up, I walked into the kitchen, where Kellen asked if I was angry. I then had to explain 'flustered' to him and after doing so, he proceeded to tell me about his devotional from earlier in the morning.....about praying to God for peace in stressful situations or when I got flustered.

'If you ask him, he can give you peace in the most irritating situations.'

It was an awesome and humbling experience to have my 9-year old son speak such a truthfully simply, yet profound statement to me this morning.

His comments stayed with me all day, and I can tell you, they not only helped me have a better morning, but a better day.


Points to Ponder

• What simple truths do you need reminding about today?
• Do you trust that He will give you peace in the most irritating situations?  In the situations that don't seem to lend themselves to peace?
• What lesson might you need to learn from the situation?

I have thought about all of these questions - yes, even in the midst of answering 20 questions and cleaning up stinky pull-ups. 

Advent Season - Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas

If you want a free resource to help you keep the Christ in Christmas...one that's done a lot of the work for you with activities, Bible verses, songs, etc as you prepare your heart, your family and children for Christmas, you may want to check out the Good Morning Girls 4 week study and their ebook on the subject, Advent Study: Keeping Our Hearts Focused on Jesus, which is free when you subscribe to GMG.

I have done a variety of self-created Christmas count downs in the past, but haven't really done Advent, per se, in the past.  I think that this year, I might give it a try - candles and all.  So it's appealing that they have it all compiled for me.

We'll see how it goes. 

I'll also continue my Christmas count down and incorporate the Advent activities into the countdown (because let's face it, there is no way that both will happen independent of each other).

Are we ready to discuss Christmas already?

Why??

Or otherwise known as, NOT FAIR!!!

Today was supposed to be a joyous event...an intricate compilation of the completion of a myriad of things off of Tatum's about-to-start kinder 'bucket list'.  It was that, but it was also the scene of a horrific tragedy in the sleepy little town in which I live.

A wonderful man was killed today.  In fact, not one, but apparently two.  But I only know one of them personally.

And it has wrecked my world.

I have carried on today and tried to continue with Tatum's bucket-list schedule.  I told her that 'a very bad man hurt some people today', and initially, I wasn't sure how badly that was.

Now I know.  Two children will never play baseball with their Daddy again.  A Daddy will never walk his daughter down the aisle to give her away.  A wife will have to carry on without her earthly rock.

A host of kids will never be coached by a tremendous coach again.

Kellen was fortunate enough to have him as his very.first.t-ball.coach.

Brian Bachmann was a great coach to Kellen and the rest of that team.  He cared more about instilling a love of baseball and the basics than winning, and the kids had FUN during the season.  It was fun to be a parent on that team.

That is the aspect of Brian I knew best, but it certainly is only one aspect of a great man...a respected pillar of this community.

I am angry that he was killed.  I am even more angry that he was apparently killed while issuing an eviction notice.  Really?  That just screams of unfairness to me.  Being evicted was worth his life?  Really?? 

I decided to go to the prayer vigil tonight and as I told the girls where we were going, I explained to Tatum what had happened, in 5 year old-ese....'You know the bad man I told you about earlier that hurt some people?  Well, one of those people was hurt really badly and went to heaven.  You know what that means, right?'

'Yes, that means they died,' she answered.

'That's right,' I said, 'And we're going to go and pray for their family and friends because they're really sad.'

The conversation went on a little longer and her final remark was so simple, 'But he's in heaven, right? So why are they sad?'

And y'all, she's 5. Ok, almost 5 and a half.  She get's it.  Yes, we have to grieve. And I'm apparently working through the anger stage.  I wonder if this is what childlike faith looks like played out....'he's in heaven, why are we sad?'

"Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Mark 10:15 - (The Message)

She's on the right track here, folks!  Just look at my sweet 5 year old putting the eternal perspective on a horrid, awful, hideous event.  I'll be honest though, I'm just not quite ready to be there with her yet.

Brian was a Christian and I can rejoice that he's home.

I was listening to a Building 429 song on the way to the prayer vigil...the lyrics, '...all I know is, I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong....'

This lyric is NO LONGER TRUE for Brian.  He's home now.

I can choose to rejoice in that.

Update:  Those interested in doing something tangible in the wake of this tragedy can purchase gift certificates to local restaurants who are matching, dollar for dollar, the amounts.  These gift certificates will be given to the Bachmann family so that meal times will hopefully be one less stressor for them over the next few weeks or possibly months.

Content in my season

I came across this poem among some papers I was going through tonight. Oh Lord, help me to be content in my season of life - whatever season that may be - and count the many blessings you have bestowed upon me!  It is so easy to want to fast forward, rewind, pause even at times... or to speed through a particular season (terrible two's or torrential threes, anyone?), but they are all so vital for growing into the person I am supposed to become and for fulfilling God's plan for me this side of heaven!


It was spring but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.

It was summer but it was fall I wanted; the colorful leaves and the cool dry air.

It was fall but it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.

It was now winter but it was spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.

I was a child but it was adulthood I wanted; the freedom and the respect.

I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted; to be mature and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged but it was twenty I wanted; the youth and the free spirit.

I was retired but it was middle-aged that I wanted; the presence of mind without limitations.

My life was over but I never got what I wanted.

-Author Unknown

Happy Easter!

From our family to yours!

Perspective when your kiddos are strong-willed

I have spoken a lot about my strong willed children. Those children who just so happen to come from two strong willed parents.

They never stood a chance.

I have to remind myself that their strong wills will come in handy some day when they are faced with peer pressure and all sorts of other 'things' and I hope and pray that the messages they are learning now will stick.

So it was refreshing to read this devotional about that very same thing.  I absolutely love the mothering perspectives she lists...

1. Don't take too much credit for their good.
2. Don't take too much credit for their bad.
3. Don't try to raise a good child. Raise a God-following adult.

Oh thank you Lord for that sweet reminder! It's not my purpose in life to raise 'good' kids...it's my purpose in life to raise kids who know and love the Lord.

When a door closes....

I frequently ask the Lord to give me direction not in the form of quiet whispers, but in flashing billboards and signs.

I don't do well with subtle. The Lord made me. He knows this. It's not a shocker to Him.

But I ask anyway, because I know myself. Typically He answers that particular prayers and gives my flashing billboards and large signs.

I appreciate this very much.

Last fall, I applied for a PhD program in the College of Education and Human Development, within the Department of Educational Administration & Human Resource Development here at Texas A&M University. The program itself was human resource development. It would have taken me a while, as my plan was to take a class, possibly two, at a time.

I have been talking about applying for my PhD for...oh...about 11 years now. Yup. Since I finished my Masters. But a little thing called the real world managed to get in the way. You know...the first 'real' job, a couple-three-kids, just life in general. And despite the fact that I'm surrounded by people continuing their education (with my advice and assistance) and by professors, I hadn't taken the plunge.

Until last fall. My co-worker was applying for the very same program, and that was the motivation I needed. Matt and I prayed about it, and we decided that things seemed like they were lining up for me to apply for the program. If God didn't want me in the program at that time, I simply wouldn't get accepted.

The individuals I asked to write my letters of recommendation were thrilled to do so, one of them even submitted the recommendation letter before I had a chance to submit the application or any supporting materials. All three of these professors felt incredibly confident that I would be admitted, and to tell you the truth, so did I. And so did my co-worker. And so did most of the other people that I told I was applying.

The decision was supposed to be made (I thought) by the end of February. The end of February came and went and I didn't hear anything. I did; however, get a text from another friend who had applied to the same program the evening of March 1st. She basically told me to check my email. I had been busy that afternoon in meetings and hadn't had a chance to check it.  So I did.


But God said, "No." Or at least, "Not right now."
 
I didn't get accepted into the program.

I certainly won't lie and say that I'm not disappointed, because I am. But I'm trusting that this is God's very large, flashing billboard directing me away from this path at this particular moment.  Those who I have informed of this have been shocked for me, which I appreciate. But I'm trusting that this was/is God's will for me right now. Perhaps He is saving me from myself, since I do have a tendency to take on more than I need to at any given time.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. - Proverbs 3:5-6

March goals....

In looking at this month...and considering that I'm feeling like God's current instruction and discipline includes asking telling me to slow down and begin to take better care of myself, I think I'll concentrate on the following:

1. Continue my running goal (average 1 mile/day) [nevermind that I haven't run at all this month because of said back]
2. Continue with February's purge goal
3. Continue with date nights with Matt (once a month minimum)
4. New this month....SELF CARE!

I'm off to a late start this month with solidifying this goals...but here we go.

Birthday cake fun....

Another Christmas tradition in our house is to bake a birthday cake for Jesus.  

After all, His birthday is the real reason for all of the celebration, isn't it?

So, we bake a birthday cake and decorate it up.

This year, the older two used no less than five containers of sprinkles to decorate the cake.  

They wanted it just.so.

And it certainly looks festive, wouldn't you agree?  

So the cake is all ready for Christmas.....

Happy Birthday Jesus
I'm so glad it's Christmas
All the tinsel and lights
And the presents are nice.
But the real gift is you.

Happy Birthday Jesus
I'm so glad it's Christmas
All the carols and bells
Make the holiday swell
And it's all about you.
Happy Birthday Jesus,

Jesus I Love You!!!!!

Scripture Memory - Verse 22

We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive.  They are not busy; they are busybodies.

2 Thessalonians 3:11 (NIV)

Here is the Verse 22 post on the LPM blog.

Scripture Memory - Verse 21

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training and righteousness.

2 Timothy 3:16

Here is the link to the V21 LPM blog.

Scripture Memory - Verse 20

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (King James)

Here is the link to the LPM blog for Verse 20

Scripture Memory - Verse 19

For we are all God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)